Most recently, I was invited on a four-day destination birthday celebration. I was nervous. I was in a cabin with 12 others that I didn't know. The only person I knew at this event was my partner, who was also the birthday girl. I had always considered myself socially awkward. My usual M.O. would be to kindly decline or if I did go, I would use alcohol to numb my feelings, then regret my behavior the next day.
It was important to my girlfriend that I attend, so I chose to be brave and go. As her friends started to arrive, I could feel my anxiety rising. I observed my ego starting to panic and I could hear my inner voice running back to the safety of my old patterns, avoidance, isolation and victimhood. That night I isolated in my bedroom. I was in tears, feeling trapped for the next 3 days. I went into meditation and sat with my feelings the rest of the night. The next morning, the feelings and thoughts were still there. I meditated once again. I received a clear message; I could continue to create my own self-suffering, or I could stop running from my feelings. I
chose to stop running, calling in my inner warrior! Step 1, Supporting myself to see and understand what is existing within me/observe then ground myself. Step 2, Understanding with truth, the purpose and function of everything that I am feeling, everything that exists within me. Befriending my ego and helping it mature some of the ideas of the old beliefs. Then negotiating with it, so it can become neutral. Step 3, Take action!
In spite of my ego screaming for comfort, I stepped out of the room and out of my jail of consciousness. By this time everyone knew from the night before that I was uncomfortable in this environment. I approached the communal area and asked if I could say a few words. I said," this a lot for me. I am socially awkward, and I have been this way all my life. This is very uncomfortable for me; however, I am pushing myself beyond my comfort level to break a pattern that is no longer serving me". Like magic all the dense energy was lifted, and I felt amazingly free. The interesting thing is that there were others in the group that had similar feelings.
Shortly after, I went for a walk, and I asked my Divine for guidance. Seconds later a car zoomed by, then I heard a wind chime, then I found a feather. My message was to slow down, feel and listen. Freedom is within me. I took that to heart and followed that message all weekend. There were times when I mingled and there were times when I paddled boarded alone with nature. I ended up having a great time.
I realized once again that I am my biggest commitment, to love my flaws, my awkwardness, my weirdness, my intensity, and my vulnerability. Everything is happening for us, not to us. Life is school and the Universe will give us lessons we need to learn for our soul's growth. If we can let go of the judgments around our experiences and embrace them as "experiences" to higher wisdom, we will enjoy the journey of life a lot more.
Noccan Kani Sonia Salas