Cutting the Contract with Conflict

This fall I decided to divorce my partner of 17 years. Our relationship was fraught with scary and intense conflict followed by a well-worn cycle of violent interactions…fighting, forgiveness, love bombing, arguing, fighting…on and on for years.

When I started my path with Pachamama and medicine, I only had one intention…to find the strength to love myself enough to leave an abusive situation that I had endured for far too long. 

My fantasy was that I would go on a single retreat and come away with a profound sense of self-love and awareness allowing me to leave. The first retreat was indeed profound. The triggers from betrayals were miraculously gone. It wasn’t that I forgot, it was that they no longer carried the strong emotional load. I soon realized that while my initial experience with medicine basically stopped the emotional bleeding, it was the deep work of future retreats, integration, energy work, breathing, meditation, and ritual that has provided a path of growth and long-term healing.

My partner and I are now nearing the time when our divorce is finalized. I’ve come to look at him with gratitude as I now realize that our conflicts provided the mirror in which I could start to see and own my contributions to the chaos. Conversations with Andres, Emilene and Manuel continue to help me understand what true healing is and challenge me to examine my life in a new way. No longer a victim, I was able to use the cord-cutting ritual to release me (and him) from our karmic conflict connection. 

My partner and I still have business to take care of together, but instead of greeting him with resentment, blame and anger, I reach out in kindness and understand that he too, is deserving of great love and healing. While this won’t be with me, I have faith that he too, rests gently in the love of the universe. 

I’m starting to truly understand why relationships are so terribly hard for me. I’ll continue this path into the unknown, unafraid of being single and grateful for sharing this journey with all my Pachamama brothers and sisters.