“In order to save myself, I must destroy first the me I was told to be” Anonymous
Reflecting back on 2023 I started my year as I typically did with a feast of foods, alcohol concoctions, lots of friends and family, one party after another. My partner grew distant and I thought I was waiting patiently by continuing my day to day. I was being the person I spent my life programming myself to be and what society told me to be. Then one day in May, visiting family across the country, I found myself questioning every aspect and corner of my reality when I discovered my partner’s infidelity. It brought me to an anxiety induced panic and then I was paralyzed for the next two months. This was the catalyst that ignited my change for transformation and awakening. I could continue to be a victim and suffer or I could learn from the lesson and begin to grow.
As I mentioned in my 1st blog from Nov, I was down and depressed and started to look for all the answers. I found Pachamama and she has fueled my spiritual journey like an erupting volcano building a new island in a vast empty ocean. My personal growth has expanded so much I feel as though I am a newborn, learning all about life from an entirely different perspective and place. I realized no one was going to come save me and the person I was couldn’t exist, the person my mother, father, school, government, work told me I had to be was not me but an image of their desire. Yes it’s the wisdom of their lessons, but “I am me”.
My observations of the human societal collective have shown me the repeated patterns of traumas, histories repeating, divorces, wars, marketing, control, consumerism, slavery to an ideal and system. Aug was my 1st retreat and I remember reflecting during our Niño’s Ceremony about life. I was in tears and experiencing the deep love and care of Pachamama, Pachamama Sacred Paths(PSP), and the group of amazing souls all brought together all with similar oneness in our traumas and need for healing. I remember thinking that if every person in the world could experience what PSP just showed me, all the world's problems could be over and solved with love, kindness, and the process I was experiencing.
On this new spiritual path of transformation I have continued learning about me through the PSP Shamanic Initiations course. I have had many profound experiences with plant medicines primarily to avoid and replace any anti-depressants and anxiety medications, breath work to help reduce stress and blood pressure, I have aligned myself to be nearly debt free and set up a plan with goals to get into a house, and get my daughter through college.
The evolution of my relationship with PSP was tested just before Thanksgiving when I discovered my brother had taken his own life in suicide. I was blank and numb for a few days but quickly started utilizing the tools and teachings of the first 3 months of my Shamanic Initiation course. I was able to keep myself grounded, be present and provide space for my family, for his family, and to lead an honorable celebration of life for my brother. The song “Remember Jah” by Satsang fresh in my heart as I write this and it was played in his slideshow to remember Chad. I Love You Brother! My awareness of Pachamama is constantly present and I am in tune with all the details she shows me. The winds guide me, the waters calm me, the trees vibrate their love, and the earth grounds and resets my worries. I am becoming deeply connected to the animals and their spirits as my guides as well. In my Dec blog I mentioned seeing and having visions of an eye and at the top of Apu Shasta, the eye that turned and looked at me was me, I was looking at me and realized I am the being and I am the one in control of all aspects of my life.
Moving into 2024 my goals are to continue on my path to Runa and complete the 9 month PSP Shamanic Initiation Course, participate in retreats as a facilitator where I can continue to learn about myself as well as be there for others in their journey. I would love to make one of the Mexico pilgrimages if it aligned. 2024 will also be a big push for my own self love, self-care, and getting back to me. I have sacrificed so much of myself for others in the past years I have forgotten about all the things I love. 2024 will see a new transformed existence of me. I look forward to my growth and alignment.
I dedicate this blog to my brother and the struggles of mental health we all face and are challenged with. I LOVE YOU CHAD!
Noccan Kani Shae Neal